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Post by hunter on Jan 27, 2007 23:02:42 GMT -4
You know you work in Government if .............................................. 1. You sat at the same desk for 4 years and worked for 3 different departments. 2. You worked for the same department for 4 years and sat at more than 10 different desks. 3. You've been at the same job for 4 years and have had 10 different supervisors. 4. When someone asks about what you do for a living, you can't explain it in one sentence. 5. You get really excited about a 2% pay raise. 6. You use acronyms in your 'sentences'. 7. Your biggest lost from a system crash is that you lose your best jokes. 8. You sit in a cubicle smaller that your bedroom closet. 9. The word 'opportunity' makes you shiver in fear. 10. You see a good looking person and know it is a visitor. 11. Free food left over from meetings is your main staple. 12. Dilbert cartoons hang outside every cubicle and are read by your co-workers only. 13. Your boss' favorite lines are ' when you get a few minutes ' or ' when you're free ' 14. Decisions for your department are always made by people that never work in your department. 15. You read this entire list, understood it and related to it.
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Post by hunter on Jan 27, 2007 23:07:40 GMT -4
Subject: Fw: Dogs vs. cats
HOW TO GIVE YOUR CAT A PILL
1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position**right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth.** Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left**hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of**mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe.**Call spouse from garden.
6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low**gro wls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for**gluing later.
8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw,**force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinki ng straw.
9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away.**Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
10. Retrieve cat from neighbour's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in**cupboard, and close door onto neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch**bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink.**Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect.**Toss back another shot. Throw Tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
12. Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from across the road. Apologize to neighbour who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.
13. Tie the little beast's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find he avy duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.
14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.
15. Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.
HOW TO GIVE A DOG A PILL 1. Wrap it in bacon. 2. Toss it in the air.
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Post by hunter on Jan 27, 2007 23:11:49 GMT -4
Lets face it English is a stupid language. There is no egg in the eggplant No ham in the hamburger And neither pine nor apple in the pineapple. English muffins were not invented in England French fries were not invented in France.
We sometimes take English for granted But if we examine its paradoxes we find that Quicksand takes you down slowly Boxing rings are square And a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
If writers write, how come fingers don't fing. If the plural of tooth is teeth Shouldn't the plural of phone booth be phone beeth If the teacher taught, Why didn't the preacher praught.
If a vegetarian eats vegetables What the heck does a humanitarian eat!? Why do people recite at a play Yet play at a recital? Park on driveways and Drive on parkways How can the weather be as hot as hell on one day And as cold as hell on another
You have to marvel at the unique lunacy Of a language where a house can burn up as It burns down And in which you fill in a form By filling it out And a bell is only heard once it goes!
English was invented by people, not computers And it reflects the creativity of the human race (Which of course isn't a race at all)
That is why When the stars are out they are visible But when the lights are out they are invisible And why it is that when I wind up my watch It starts But when I wind up this poem It ends. __________________
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Post by hunter on Jan 27, 2007 23:19:13 GMT -4
Test for Dementia Below are four ( 4 ) questions and a bonus question. You have to answer them instantly. You can't take your time, answer all of them immediately . OK?
Let's find out just how clever you really are....
First Question: YOU are participating in a race. You overtake the second person. What position are you in?
Answer: If you answered that you are first, then you are absolutely wrong! If you overtake the second person and you take his place, you are second!
Try not to screw up next time. Now answer the second question, but don't take as much time as you took for the first question, OK ?
Second Question: If you overtake the last person, then you are...?
Answer: If you answered that you are second to last, then you are wrong again. Tell me, how can you overtake the LAST Person?
You're not very good at this, are you?
Third Question: Very tricky arithmetic! Note: This must be done in your head only . Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator. Try it.
Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000 . Now add 30 . Add another 1000 . Now add 20 . Now add another 1000 Now add 10 . What is the total?
Did you get 5000 ?
The correct answer is actually 4100.
If you don't believe it, now check it with a calculator! Today is definitely not your day, is it? Maybe you'll get the last question right.... .....Maybe.
Fourth Question:
Mary's father has five daughters: 1. Nana, 2. Nene, 3. Nini, 4. Nono. What is the name of the fifth daughter?
Did you Answer Nunu? NO! Of course it isn't. Her name is Mary. Read the question again!
Okay, now the bonus round:
A mute person goes into a shop and wants to buy a toothbrush. By imitating the action of brushing his teeth he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is done. Next, a blind man com es into the shop who wants to buy a pair of sunglasses; how does HE indicate what he wants?
He just has to open his mouth and ask... It's really very simple.... Like you!
KEEP THIS GOING TO FRUSTRATE THE SMART PEOPLE IN YOUR LIFE
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Post by hunter on Jan 27, 2007 23:22:29 GMT -4
Subject: Employees
Recently, a large corporation hired several cannibals to increase their diversity, "You are all part of our team now", said the HR rep during the welcoming briefing. "You get all the usual benefits and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat, but DON'T eat any employees."
The cannibals promised they would not. Four weeks later their boss remarked, "You're all working very hard and I'm satisfied with your work. We have noticed a marked increase in the whole company's performance. However, one of our secretaries has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to her?" The cannibals all shook their heads "No." After the boss had left, the leader of the cannibals said to the others, "Which one of you idiots ate the secretary?"
A hand rose hesitantly. "You fool!" the leader continued. "For four weeks we've been eating managers and no one noticed anything. But NOOOooo, you had to go and eat someone who actually does something."
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Post by jenngen on Jan 30, 2007 10:50:21 GMT -4
* Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks. * Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas. * Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc. * Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah, and pumice stone. * Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins. * Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean. * Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced. * Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red. * Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash. * Rinse conditioner off hair. * Shave armpits and legs. * Turn off shower. * Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. * Spray mold spots with Tilex. * Get out of shower. * Dry with towel the size of a small country. * Wrap hair in super absorbent towel. * Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. * If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
* Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile. * Walk naked to the bathroom. * If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the woo-woo sound. * Look at your manly physique in the mirror. * Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your ass. * Get in the shower. * Wash your face. * Wash your armpits. * Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off. * Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower. * Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area. * Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap. * Wash your hair. Make a Shampoo Mohawk. * Pee. * Rinse off and get out of shower. * Partially dry off. * Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time. * Admire wiener size in mirror again. * Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on. * Return to bedroom with towel around waist. If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the woo-woo sound again. * Throw wet towel on bed.
Have a great day!
Oh, and....woo woo!!!
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Post by hunter on Feb 6, 2007 1:35:39 GMT -4
Subject: A SEAMAN
A pretty, young, blond woman in Vancouver was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean.
She went down to the docks and was about to leap into the frigid water when a handsome young seaman saw her teetering on the edge of the pier,crying. He took pity on her and said, "Look, you have so much to live for.
I'm off to Hawaii in the morning. If you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day."
Moving closer, he slipped his arm round her waist and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy.
The blonde nodded. What did she have to lose? Perhaps a fresh start in Hawaii would give her life new meaning. That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in the bowels of the ship.
From then on, he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit every night, and they made passionate love until dawn.
Two weeks later, the blonde was discovered by the Captain during a routine inspection.
"What are you doing here?" he asked.
"I have an arrangement with one of the seamen," she explained. "I get food and a trip to Hawaii, and in return he's screwing me."
"He certainly is," said the Captain. "This is the Nanaimo ferry."
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Post by hunter on Feb 6, 2007 2:17:57 GMT -4
Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army.
On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.
On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.
On the third day, the Army issued him a jockstrap
The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.
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Post by hunter on Feb 6, 2007 2:26:14 GMT -4
Subject: Air Travellers The next time you find yourself on a plane, sitting next to someone who cannot resist chattering to you endlessly, quietly pull your laptop out of your bag, carefully open the screen (ensuring the irritating person next to you can see it), and hit this link. www.thecleverest.com/countdown.swf 'course, you have to get the laptop on the plane first.
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Post by sasquatch on Feb 6, 2007 12:39:30 GMT -4
Sounds good. I'll save that. Leave the computer on with that as a sceensaver.
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Post by Tazzy on Feb 7, 2007 17:35:47 GMT -4
Give Bubba a Chance
It was graduation night at Cox High School and they were about halfway through the ceremony when the principal said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, we have a problem, Bubba is a few credits short and won't be able to graduate tonight." Well now, Bubba was the starting right guard for Cox's football team, and when the student body heard that he wasn't going to graduate, they all jumped up and started to chant, "Give Bubba another chance, give Bubba another chance!" Pat Dye and the principal had a quick conference and afterward, the principal announced that they have decided to give Bubba another chance. Bubba is told that he will be given a "One Question" math test and if he passes, he can graduate. The question is, "What is 2 plus 3?" Bubba thinks for about 20 minutes and finally says, "I have it! The answer is 5!" There is complete silence in the auditorium for a couple of seconds and then the entire Cox High School football team jumps up and begins to chant, "Give Bubba one more chance. Give Bubba one more Chance!"
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Post by Tazzy on Feb 7, 2007 17:49:18 GMT -4
Proof that Bill Gates is the Devil
The real name of "the" Bill Gates is William Henry Gates III. Nowadays he is known as Bill Gates (III), where "III" means the order of third (3rd.)
By converting the letters of his current name to the ASCII-values and adding his (III), you get the following:
B 66 I 73 L 76 L 76 G 71 A 65 T 84 E 69 S 83 + 3 -------------- 666 !!
Some might ask, "How did Bill Gates get so powerful?" Coincidence? Or just the beginning of mankind's ultimate and total enslavement???
Before you decide, consider the following:
M S - D O S 6 . 2 1 77+83+45+68+79+83+32+54+46+50+49 = 666
W I N D O W S 9 5 87+73+78+68+79+87+83+57+53+1 = 666
Coincidence? You decide...
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Post by jenngen on Feb 11, 2007 13:42:49 GMT -4
White Pride Boy! Is this ever the truth! Good one! Someone finally said it. How many are actually paying attention to this? There are African Americans, Mexican Americans, Asian Americans, Arab Americans, Native Americans, etc. And then there are just Americans. You pass me on the street and sneer in my direction. You Call me "White boy," "Cracker," "Honkey," "Whitey," "Caveman" . And that's OK. But when I call you, N*gger, Kike, Towel head, Sand-n*gger, camel Jockey, Beaner, Gook, or Chink ... You call me a racist. You say that whites commit a lot of violence against you, So why are the ghettos the most dangerous places to live? You have the United Negro College Fund. You have Martin Luther King Day. You have Black History Month. You have Cesar Chavez Day. You have Yom Hashoah. You have Ma'uled Al-Nabi. You have the NAACP. You have BET. If we had WET (White Entertainment Television) . We'd be racists. If we had a White Pride Day .. You would call us racists. If we had White History Month . We'd be racists. If we had any organization for only whites to "advance" OUR lives . We'd be racists. We have a Hispanic Chamber of Commerce, a Black Chamber of Commerce, and then we just have the plain Chamber of Commerce. Wonder who pays for that? If we had a college fund that only gave white students Scholarships ... You know we'd be racists. There are over 60 openly proclaimed Black Colleges in The US , yet if there were "White colleges" ... THAT would be a racist college. In the Million Man March, you believed that you were Marching for your race and rights. If we marched for our Race and rights, you would call us racists. You are proud to be black, brown, yellow and orange, And you're not afraid to announce it. But when we Announce our white pride ... You call us racists. You rob us, carjack us, and shoot at us. But, when a White police officer shoots a black gang member or beats Up a black drug-dealer running from the law and posing A threat to society you call him a racist. I am proud. But, you call me a racist. Why is it that only whites can be racists?
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Post by hunter on Feb 13, 2007 1:38:53 GMT -4
Subject: Six Classic Affairs
The 1st Affair A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM. The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt. He put on his shoes and drove home. "Where have you been?" his wife demanded. "I can't lie to you," he replied, "I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon." She looked down at his shoes and said: "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!" The 2nd Affair A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son. They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy. The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen. He told his wife: "There's no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?" The wife smiled sweetly and replied: "Not this time!" The 3rd Affair A mortician was working late one night. He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery. Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen! "I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," the mortician commented, "I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity." So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home "I have something to show you won't believe," he said to his wife, opening his briefcase.
"My God!" the wife exclaimed, "Schwartz is dead!" The 4th Affair A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. "Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner." She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you," she said, "pretend you're a statue." "What's this?" the husband inquired as he entered the room. "Oh it's a statue," she replied, "the Smiths bought one and I liked it so I got one for us, too." No more was said, not even when they went to bed. Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer. "Here," he said to the statue, have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smiths and nobody offered me damned thing." The 5th Affair A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer. "Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent." "One Cent?" the man exclaimed. He glanced at the menu and asked: "How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?"
"A nickel," the barman replied. "A nickel?" exclaimed the man. "Where's the guy who owns this place?"
The bartender replied: "Upstairs, with my wife." The man asked: "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"
The bartender replied: "The same thing I'm doing to his business down here."
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Post by jenngen on Feb 19, 2007 11:41:53 GMT -4
A Husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf. Of course, the Wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course. The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize, and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us." So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, "Come on in." When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done... glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the broken window. A large black man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the people that broke my window?" "Uh..yeah, sir. We're sure sorry about that," the husband replied. "Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you! You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself." "Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, "I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life." "No problem," said the genie. "You've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life! And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the genie asked. "I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world," she said. "Consider it done,"the genie said. "And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!" "And now," the couple asked in unison, "What's your wish, genie?" "Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife!" The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?" She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?" "You know I love you sweetheart," said the husband. "I'd do the same for you!" So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other. The genie was insatiable! After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie and asked, "How old are you and your husband?" "Why, we're both 35," she responded breathlessly. "No Kidding!" he said, "Thirty-five years old and both of you still believe in genies?"
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